Lying in bed the other night, a hundred thoughts raced through my brain as they often do when I finally stop everything and just listen to nothing around me. I glanced over at my hubby and he was asleep, breathing softly and deeply. In that moment, I started reflecting on us and where we’ve been and are going to. With Valentine’s Day coming up, I thought sharing this post would be appropriate.
Just how did I get so lucky? I’ve often asked myself that a lot over the last four and a half years, even sharing it on my blogs when I mention how awesome my husband is. I may never know, but I know how incredibly much I love him and how much I love the woman he’s allowed me to grow into.
There was a time when I was pretty fed up with the male gender. Yet, I still had self doubts, wondering if I was the problem or what was wrong with me that I couldn’t keep a guy. I was never very popular in school. I was friends with everyone, don’t get me wrong. But, I wasn’t included in a lot of things and never really asked out. Granted I was shy to a degree and I frequently felt born in the wrong time. And, really, my family was always like my best friends. I just didn’t get into all the crazy stuff others my age would.
After the sting of a couple of wrong and sometimes just rotten guys, I found myself dealing with a guy who was around, an older guy, and I couldn’t avoid him because of our proximity. This guy liked leading me on and then pulling back, saying let’s try things and then saying never mind. It was getting old. Yet, he just had to know all my business and have a say on anything I did that he saw. It was driving me nuts and I was at that point where I was all, “Ok, God, I get it. Maybe this is stupid and I just give up.” As I went to bed one night I kind of laughed and thought of my Grandpa I’d been so close to growing up. He’d always asked, “How’s the guys?” and tell me that he just knew there was a guy out there for me. So, I shook my head as going to bed that night and said, “Ok, Grandpa, give me a sign of what to do here?”
The very next morning I saw a notification pop up in my email I received a message on a free website about meeting others I nearly forgot my profile even graced. Friends a few years before copied my Facebook and Myspace info over to it and created it for me. Most of the messages I got were uninteresting or just the random, “Hi,” or just guys after one thing. Frequently, I just deleted them anymore or didn’t care. But for some strange reason that day, I decided to open this guy’s message. And, he’d written a pretty good message. He shared he had just moved to the area and was looking for a friend only to start hanging out with and seeing things around. He added he was building his cabin up on 35 acres. There were a few pictures on his profile and I kept reading. Along with all this, he added he read my profile and thought I seemed nice and like maybe we would have a lot in common, sharing his own views and ideas on several things along the way.
Trust me, I still don’t know why I felt like reading all this when I really NEVER gave the time of day to any other messages on that site. Maybe I felt safer because my dad is on the board of the property owner’s association where the guy was building and could investigate for me, I don’t know. Yet, something in this guy’s pictures really caught my eye too. So, taking a chance, I actually wrote him back. We carried on a conversation, soon turning to text all day and evening. He said he’d stop in at my job the next day to meet as returning a movie in town. I was pretty nervous at that thought and also knew it’d be a rush between a luncheon and board meeting, but he said he would.
Sure enough the next day he stopped in not long before I would be closing the office. We chatted easily. There were guys that stopped in and tried talking and flirting and I was anxious to get them out of there. However, this guy I didn’t want to stop talking with. It felt natural. Even when he said he better let me get back to work, I felt disappointed. That evening he texted that he’d enjoyed meeting me. I told him I probably looked pretty frazzled and his next text had me in awe. He wrote that he thought I actually looked cute and spunky. Quite a compliment I thought.
That weekend we hung out and went to some stores and ate dinner at my house, then went on a ghost tour of town. The other guy was not happy seeing him around and that made me wonder why. Obviously, there was something in this new guy that was worthwhile. We sat at my house after the tour talking until almost two in the morning. It was so easy to talk with him! The next night he came over for a dinner I prepared and we watched two movies. He moved in close to me on the couch and I kind of hesitated. We had a lot in common and ironically it was a lot my Grandpa and I used to talk about too. I’d missed that!
A few nights later he invited me to have dinner with him where he cooked. Once again, we were talking and talking and he finally said he really liked me a lot and we first kissed. How much of a gentleman he was amazed me. I wasn’t used to it. The next day he even brought me coffee at work. A few nights later he came by to help me put my new exercise bike together and we walked around the park under the full moon. That was a week after we met and we decided that, yup, we were dating.
I just loved being around him. I loved hearing his opinion of me too. I wanted to be that woman for him. But you know, it was really just being myself. We both still say that at times we can’t believe how soon either one of us wanted to say that we loved each other. But it just felt natural to me to say after only a few weeks. I met his dad and Grandma for dinner and he met my parents shortly after.
Meeting Brent was probably the greatest thing I could’ve done. I thought men like him no longer existed. He believes in me so much and he’s so talented and amazing himself. We really do make each other better. Trust me, he was awesome before. Had to be to get me to read all his message and keep up a convo with him. One thing that sticks in my head was the second night we hung out I was upset about that other guy butting in and being weird (I’d already shared that with Brent on the phone because we were being friends only at that point) and he just said back, “You are too beautiful and too awesome to care what he thinks.” And, looking at him, I could see he meant it.
He spoils me really at times. He takes such great care of me. When he was so ill it hurt me. It terrified me! No woman wants to get married and then immediately after see her husband lose fifty pounds and think he’s going to die because no one can help him. I was petrified I was losing him and angry that I finally found him or rather he found me and just two years later I’d be without him again. I vowed to do whatever I could to make him better. I’d lie in bed and cry every night after I made sure he was asleep and pray, bargain almost, with God to please just let me not lose this amazing man.
Thank God he got well again, but not until we’d been forced along to our next adventure. Getting there was another story. The stress and fears and worries wore us down and took a toll on our nerves and emotions. There were very definite flare ups, huge arguments, and moments I thought he was going to give up on me. But, he never did. And, I never could on him. I feel like I Iearn something new about both of us almost daily. He was doing whatever he could to get us through the ordeal even though it was his health entirely on the fritz. I felt guilty I was healthy. I felt guilty I could escape his suffering going to my job. I felt guilty I couldn’t afford our bills on my income. And I would feel guilty when I would nearly have melt downs through it all.
The fact is I think we do best together. We are energized and stimulated by one another. We love working together and being together. People sometimes tell me that I should not want to spend so much time with him. He’s my husband, my best friend, and, really, I think my soul mate. I can always count on him and I always know I have safe, loving arms to run to when I need to. He makes me smile always and we can laugh and be silly together like I never could with anyone else, but my mother and Grandpa.
I’ve never really shared out loud just how thrilled and relieved and eternally grateful I am that he’s fully recovered now. Or just how much it worries me when I see him maybe not feeling entirely too well a year and a half later, just a bad day like sinus issues. I think I’m partly afraid to because it may curse us. Silly, I know, but I think it’s there. I got my husband back and at that point we’d already left the home I thought I’d live in for a long time. Instead, here we are on 35 acres and we’ve tried homesteading, growing veggies, having rabbits and chickens. And we’re adding onto his little cabin to be our home, a lot smaller than my old house. But we’re doing it together and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
He says a lot that he loves me more when we talk about it. And, well, maybe he does. But I know I love him so deeply and greatly it overwhelms me at times. The arguments and blow ups have stopped. We haven’t done that in ages. I think we found how to talk and be together. We learned through our struggles just after marriage that we can give and take with one another and we know through that just how much of a team we are. When we first met I wouldn’t have thought we’d face some of the hurdles we did as we got married two years later, the illness and financial hardships because of that. That was something that could break couples married for years. Yet, here we had it right after our wedding and almost clear up to our first anniversary.
It didn’t break us. If we made it through I know we could make it through anything. It did force us into a team and Brent’s a teammate anyone would be lucky to have on their team. And knowing that here we are still, I look forward to the great adventures waiting for us!
I love you, honey, then, now, and always!