Figuring Out New Rules After Marriage

Life sometimes grows far too hectic. Back before I met the man of my dreams and we married in September, I could easily say life was busy. Even then I ran about with a normal full-time job often keeping me busy, socialized with friends, assisted family, and also managed to run a household and follow through on my chores. Once we marry, new responsibilities also enter our daily routine. No longer are we simply daughter or friend or employee, we become a wife and adopt a new family too. That family is the one we create with our spouse even when it is just our spouse and ourselves.

With so much going on in the world today, I find myself feeling more and more worn out, so in need of self care. Sometimes that first year of marriage, despite even the hubby and I cohabitating for almost 2 years prior, is an adjustment period. I didn’t marry until just after my 35th birthday, after nearly being on my own for about 13 to 14 years. Now, I’ve always been a lot more independent. In fact, I had men tell me in the past I could come off as too independent for my own good, like they weren’t really needed. Of course, I also didn’t really find the right man for me before Brent either. I studied hard through school to graduate with top honors and a member of the National Honor Society, yet I wasn’t a big study person. I just always lucked out with school work. I taught myself to play the piano and even did an online free singing lesson series. I’ve worked hard in my days and even put myself through college entirely online at the age of 30 to obtain my bachelors of science in psychology. I also am the youngest in my family to anyone by 7 years. Perhaps this is part of why I’ve always kind of taken care of myself. I don’t quite fit in with others my age and I don’t quite fit in with the other ages entirely either. Many days I feel born in the wrong era.


Suddenly, with the hubby in my life, I feel life’s become a lot more demanding. This is typical one finds through countless articles online and reports by various other women. However, for me, I’m realizing I need to resort my priorities. Prior to marriage, my job was my identity to me. I needed to work hard to have the things I wanted as money was needed to pay bills. I also took a great deal of pride in my home and in my hostessing. My personal relationships grew in importance to me and my family has always meant the world to me. However, now that I’m married, instead of being able to come home and just be alone or free to answer any call or invitation that enters my life, I discovered I need to devote more time to the most important relationship in my life: the one with my new family aka my husband. We love spending time together, working together. I love when the glimmers of the independent me appear as I step forward and do things for both of us.

As a result though, I know that other aspects of my life now must change. My family of parents, sister, aunt, etc. was used to me always available, always present. Suddenly, my time is limited. Like our officiant told us through premarital mentoring, our spouse now becomes the priority. Plus, I want to spend as much time with him as possible. I love him. Yet, even as pleasing as things are while spending that time together, I have responsibilities also to him as his wife. So, when we do see each other daily, it’s not always the most relaxing for either of us. So, I must make up new rules to help myself with these roles.


First of all, I’m starting to realize I must turn my phone on silent in the evenings after work. All too often when I should be devoting time to building our life together and spending quality time together, the phone rings and our plans are placed on hold, not letting my responsibility here be front and center. With the phone on silent, I can check it more when I’m ready to, when I have the free time. Plus, I don’t feel the guilt many of us females place on ourselves if we feel we can’t keep up. Why stress ourselves out unnecessarily? Plus, I could end up being so busy on a phone call with someone else or looking up a Facebook feed and miss out on an opportunity for the hubby to help pamper me some. Right? And my man is definitely good with the romance part.


Second, I know I should always talk to my spouse before any plans are made. This also lets us determine what we want to do together and helps me stay aware of his needs and feelings too. That doesn’t mean I don’t care to have a life separate. If anything I need to just be sure I’m not disregarding his feelings even if I ask to just go spend girl time with a dear friend or stop by my family’s homes. And, when it comes to the major things in life about our home, I’m definitely not just running the show.

There’s going to be more I learn and start implementing as I go, but for the most part I must start the phone one. Life is hectic definitely and all day I feel I’m going and going with everyone else’s demands. At work, yes, of course, I should be. That’s what I’m there for and my role. However, when I come home, I need to just be at my little family’s beckon call and need to cultivate that with a solid foundation. Not just for their sanity, but mine as well.


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